Courage to Be True to Self

I live in a society that demands women to be youthfully perfect their entire lives. This has never agreed with my true sense of reality. For some time, in youthful years, I rejected looking good to others at all. My father, who loved the ideals of a shallow-minded society, made fun of my appearance, saying I looked like someone’s rejected grandmother. Kids at school echoed his insults. I was alone in a shallow-idealed society. I learned I needed to fit in, to look as they wanted me to. This caused me depression, and an inner self security system that was focused on the outside of myself.

Today, in the middle year of my fourth decade, I struggle with the right of my own security. I define security as a feeling of well being in myself, while among others, in this Hollywood society, who buy the shallow standards. To please my father, I have been a beauty queen, a cabaret bellydancer, at the peak of my youthful looks. He had complaints then, too. He’s not the only one with double standards, with nothing but negativity to give. On the other hand, some people, as percious friends, have nothing but kindness to give, no matter if my face has not one stitch of makeup on, or if I was made up to perform.

I have learned other’s approval is fickle. It’s shallow. It means nothing to how God sees me. My question for myself is, “Do I have the courage to be my true self, to look the way I choose, to choose to go where I want, and do what I need?” Ultimately, I have learned I want to be on psyche medication to achieve balance. It negates my old goal of being a beauty puppet for others because of weight gain. Ironically, others still find me attractive. It negates my ability to hold down a modern job because I don’t think clearly enough. Ironically, I understand I would feel abused in a common job, as many feel today, by tyrant bosses, and other circumstances, such as extra meaningless work for no extra pay, financially or in appreciation.

My quest for my own sanity is be true to me, not my feelings, because they are fleeting. I choose not to compete, to what programmed achievement says it brings. I’ve won and lost competitions and achievements enough to know they leave my spirit dry of satisfaction and lusting for more chances at a pittance of “I feel good enough”, or a long draw into a fearsome void of terror for rejection and bullying. I’m still on this path to understand where my power is for me, and not feel guilt for pursuing empowerment. In this society I feel guilt for sitting in personal power, most reasons are for being feminine.

Modern doctors are not my empowerment, modern medicine falls into a trajectory of mass confusion for health. My old ideas of health fell around the realm of looks, greatly, how youthful and thin a women should look. I see all this is for a masculine desire to control a woman’s body, and distract the focus of her mind. I followed that medicine for many years, I always felt I failed the standard. I always had some sort of eating disorder, a negative relationship to food. I felt guilty for eating.

Now, in the hands of psyche doctors, I have gained more weight than I even thought I would. I’ve never felt stronger. I can even kick weighed bags over in martial arts classes that even the male instructors can’t achieve most times. I pause, I look around at my circumstances and I’m beginning to see, modern medicine and modern society have some things backwards about health.

I still feel a bit confused about guilt over food and weight, yet still I forge on into the realm of purpose. My inner guides say I need to do art the next three years. I have painted a lot with a unique style I learned in the Intuitive painting circles in the San Francisco Bay Area. My goal was to paint this style in murals. I’ve done this around my house and back yard fence, but now I stand on an edge of choice. I fear criticism too much to move forward. I’m not sure where I would ask to paint these murals in this intuitive style. I’m not sure I would have the courage to be stared at, have people come up to me and ask questions, or if I feel spiritually realized enough to take on these murals at this time. I love what Joel Osteen, a positive spiritual encourager, he says, “It’s still going to happen.” Maybe not in the way I thought, but it’s still going to happen in God’s timing and God’s more powerful way.

I also challenge the idea of perfection seeking through twelve step and therapy. Maybe I’m challenged by the idea of achieving balance through continuous hard work, chipping away at my own ego and blind spots to achieve a good character of self. It’s a challenge to surrender my ideas and accept God’s ideas for my life in its place. I see this is why a slogan in twelve step programs is “Progress, not perfection.” My idea is perfection, is any pack of lies I’ve been sold about God. God’s ideas for me is progress in a good way. When I’m striving for perfection I want to give in, my ideals of perfection are too great and high. I feel small and useless in contrast. But plodding along in community with others, and also individually with a therapist or coach, keeps my progressing in a good way, in God’s good simple way. My ideas are very complicated. God’s ideas are simple and always the same.

…After writing this above piece a short time ago, I am revisiting is and I see progress with my courage to overcome my fears. I reached out to two artist friends and asked if they would be willing to paint a mural with me if the opportunity should arise. They both said, “Yes!” I also revisited an idea about a wall at a spiritual center I attend. A member of the community brought up that a certain wall space would be a good place for a mural. I brought it up to the leader of the community and she said she would ask the staff members. I feel grateful, I’ll let you know where this leads.

I need to keep up with my practices to keep fear out to the way and let God’s way shine through!