The Odds

The odds of a life I’d enjoy more than the life I have now are hard to tell. I could have been dead in a pool of psychosis, living outside the mental constructs of my current society, while living arrested to jail as my place in society. I could have lived a life in jail. I could have learned how to do tasks for myself that were meaningful to an artistic purposeful life, as well as became skilled in mundane tasks for financial survival, to be independent.

I was born into a society that my soul and spirit don’t agree with. I have a better chance of overcoming the negative box I feel squished into, living in middle class society, through writing. I can be freed through writing and publishing. I have a chance to write and publish my thoughts with the use of psyche medication and living with my husband as a caregiver. I could have ended up like my friends’ children who are young adults, who are spiritually minded, too much for a shallow-thought culture. They also go into trans-states, as I do. The lucrative psyche system calls these states “psychosis”. It’s a stigmatized term.

This seems to be my option being born into a culture I don’t resonate with, to be locked in jail, or accept the prison of one’s circumstances, and transcend them. I have it lucky, I have a supportive partner who loves me as I am, who celebrates me as I am. My friend is a supportive mother to her son. Through a process of he becoming homeless from living in a trans-state, unmedicated, he has befriended some homeless people who are innocent of crimes, but often jailed for small annoyances to those they live around who are housed.

I feel pressure to do something great with my opportunity to be stable, giving me the ability to create and share, growing up with overly high standards that I felt great pressure under. Again, I must choose my perspective. I feel thankful for the opportunity. Gratitude can make a glass half filled, be seen as a glass half full. I see negative circumstances can cause a glass half filled be seen as a glass half woefully empty. I complain at times that I don’t get to compete with the top competitors, to even try to fit in. There is sacrifice in everything. I’ve nearly doubled my body weight and size on medications I feel stable on, and I don’t seem to be able to think as fast to hold down a job. But again, I choose my perspective. I’m not a competitor. This has given me time on the side lines of society to observe it. I see I would much rather be a cooperator to God, and serve others in society through trust in His process. God asks me to listen to others with an understanding heart. Those in pain are often healers to others, understanding other’s pain first hand.

Again, I look at, then I see through appreciation what is left to work with, what is good to work with. God sifts through the ego of each individual to connect us all in one common truth. The ego seems important to the individual. I heard an acronym for L.O.V.E., standing for Letting Others Voluntarily Evolve. I can want to control something so badly: my weight, my aging looks as a woman in a society that demands youthful perfection, my abilities. But I can apply this truth to myself, I can also let myself voluntarily evolve. When I accept my current reality, I can see what is good to use in appreciation. I can write, I can share, I can listen. Through this, I become a healer, letting God take what belongs to God. This goes back to the serenity prayer of Twelve Step programs, for me.

God, first, I address my source which connects us all, then ask for the ability to accept the things I cannot change, because I know those are the things I feel called to control; the courage to do what I don’t desire to do, which is mine to do, usually counter to how I’ve been raised and programmed; and I must pray within action to understand what is God’s to do for m; what is my sacrifice, and what requires my energy to trust God’s process and timing.

Sometimes I must enjoy being a spoiled princess when I want to work. Sometimes must accept an uncertain future when my older husband (care giver) passes away. I choose to trust my every future day will be more lovely than any past day. This brings me peace, while any other thought brings me intolerable stress.

I have heard many stories of people with psychosis, which have all been creative, spiritual, philosophical souls. It is a powerful energy to harness in an individual personality. I believe these souls are meant to aid and heal those ready for more than what the “rat race” offers. This is the cubical construct of modern society, losing it’s touch with nature and God. But to become an affective healer and aid, one must accept daily sacrifices and be willing to trust a process beyond any scope of human understanding.